Tobias

“Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.” ~Psalm 34:8

Tobias means “the goodness of God”. Just writing that makes me cry. I have always known God was good. Over the years it hasn’t always felt that way. Those times have caused both Joey and I to come to know this part of who God is more intimately. What does it mean that He is good? What does that look like? Feel like?

We have seen a lot of hard situations this past year. Personally, this pregnancy has been a tremendous challenge for me. Guilt. Not understanding what God was doing. You see, friends had just lost a baby. Why would God bring Tobias now to us? How could I possibly be excited when grief was still so much a part of our friends’ lives? During the pregnancy others shared grief of their own losses. Then another baby near to us passed away. Heart break again. Yet Tobias kicked and moved inside me reminding me constantly of his presence. A presence I couldn’t understand.

The pregnancy was hard in other ways too. I was just barely hanging on as we adjusted to our new life here in Lesotho. Homeschooling was hard. Levi and Eleanor were constantly in need of my attention. I was lost as to what my role was with this new team of coworkers. And now God brought Tobias. Babies are always amazing in my book. I was thrilled…and terrified. How was I going to handle this?

Pregnancies are not easy for me. This one came with an extra “gift”, deep discouragement. I struggled with feelings of complete worthlessness and the inability to handle life. I struggled at home. I struggled if we went out. Socializing was agonizing. I would go to a play date with the kids and cry the whole way home. I was losing the mental game of believing truth. And I felt completely alone…except surrounded by four precious kids who needed me to handle life.

Kick, kick. Tobias was there. Nausea, migraines, exhaustion. Did I mention we couldn’t decide on a name?

Those around us in the States and in Lesotho were all experiencing challenges and hard times of their own. Our hearts breaking with them. Then we read it in a list…Tobias. The goodness of God. We knew that was him.

Your description or explanation of how God’s goodness plays out in life may differ from mine. The truth is Scripture says God is good. The truth is hard stuff is always present. For us, Tobias has been our reminder that goodness doesn’t always come wrapped the way we would expect. God is good when the kids are laughing and shouting together happily with their friends, the birds are chirping, and the peach tree is blooming in the front yard. God is good also when we are sitting on the kitchen floor together, tears streaming, begging God to raise the dead. He’s good when I lay in bed hearing the hurried footsteps of Joey racing through the house, knowing something is terribly wrong. And God is good when shovel strikes ground, twisting, and breaking up the soil as you help dig a grave for another’s loved one.

So, his name is Tobias. And we love him very much! May we always testify to the truth that our God and Father is good. And thru every circumstance both hard and joyous learn to love Him more and better.

“You are good, and what you do is good; teach me your decrees.” ~Psalm 119:68